Yesterday was my son’s 8th birthday. All of his birthdays kick up some emotional dust for me. I rejoice in what an amazing human he continues to be. I grieve that he is one year closer toward individuation and needing to know himself away from us. I remember his eventful arrival and how it birthed a mother, father, grandparents, aunt, and a brand-new nurse (she was in the room and possibly crying more than anyone). And I remember what I wrote half his lifetime ago, after his 4th birthday, that still rings true for me today. So I will share … Continue reading Oldie but Goodie
As the days get shorter and the darkness much thicker, it sometimes feels like we are wading through one long night. The other day my son asked me what my favorite shade of blue was. Sidebar- I love his questions. He didn’t ask me what my favorite color was, but rather my favorite shade of blue. I just love those little moments where you can see and feel their swift minds whirring. So back to my favorite shade of blue. It’s twilight. You know that deep, resonant, silky, purply, dark blue when the sky moves from sunset to night. The … Continue reading One Long Night
As we approach Thanksgiving and the holiday season in the US, one of the things that gets tossed around is Gratitude. The Big G. If you weren’t feeling that grateful, or even worse, were feeling whiny and self-deprecating, this is the week and the season to just snap out of it! This is the season for good tidings, well wishes, thoughts, prayers, and plain ol’ cheer, right? Don’t get me wrong; I love the concept of cultivating gratitude. There is an intense and dark beauty in being a witness to and feeling appreciation for the ride-or-die friendships or miraculous children that we … Continue reading Is gratitude enough?
This past weekend I got to spend some quality time with my Framily. These people are my friend-family. My chosen family. People who have literally been with me through some of the darkest days of my life thus far, and will also walk alongside me through the ones that await (cuz there’s always more). So naturally we get into some murky stuff as we wade through the years and losses we have lived together. We wondered aloud: do you have any regrets? Would you do everything, as it has played out, over again? We all felt like we were perfectly … Continue reading Would You Do It All Over Again?
Recently, I did something that was really hard for me. In fact, I was completely unprepared for it. And- some might say- unqualified. They wouldn’t be wrong. But other people’s opinions have rarely stopped me from doing what I believe in, love, or am just plain ol’ fired up to do. #firestarter #changeagent I realized a few things in the process: I believe that I can do hard things In fact, I believe that I should do hard things And more importantly, I believe that I should do things that make me absolutely afraid and uncomfortable I am already 15,443 days old. … Continue reading Doing Hard Things Could Be Easy
Have you ever flashed back to crazy, possibly dangerous, times in your life and thought: “holy crap, I should have died!” You shudder. Maybe you look over at your kid, your partner, your cat, or even at your own hands. You feel your heart beating in your chest. You feel your breath slide in and roll out of your body. And in that swift and fantastic moment, you are so fully alive. Recently I wrote to my Muse-letter followers about being not-dead-today, and being fully alive. Digging deep and getting a little murky, as I love to do, while contemplating … Continue reading It Should Have Been Me…
An interesting article was published this past Summer on the very real, little-discussed changes that occur in the brain of a pregnant, postpartum, and/or caregiving person. There are a number of rapid and monumental changes that happen to the portion of our brains that control social-emotional processes or the “ability to atttribute emotions and mental states to other people- key to raising a human.” “The more brain change the mothers experienced, the higher they scored on measures of emotional attachment to their babies, a finding that echoed past studies. And the changes in most brain regions remained two years later.” Whoa. Two years?! … Continue reading Why Does My Brain Feel Like it is Leaking?
At times it seems like our world is hyperfocused on identity. As if we were ever just one thing. Some days, I have more labels than I care for . American. Indian. Person of Color. Woman. Mother. Partner. Daughter. Sister. Working parent. Fierce friend. Heteronormative. Doctor. Midwife. Teacher. Writer. Witch. Outspoken. Boss. Bitch. They are not just names, but roles and ways of showing up in the world. Some are chosen, some assigned by others. But ultimately ways of being seen, heard, and having an existence carved out. Inhabiting space. Those labels and roles can also feel like work. Heavy … Continue reading Identity and Being All Things
This week my son turned 4 years old. It seems like he has been here for a minute and at the same time that I have known him my entire life. Of course this has me thinking about my pregnancy, what I was doing when I went into labor, my labor, my labor, my labor (that’s one ‘labor’ for each day), his birth, our first night all snuggled into bed together, and those postpartum weeks. I have to say- it was glorious. It wasn’t glorious because I ‘did everything right’. It was glorious because I was just able to be. … Continue reading Birth and rebirth